An Inconvenient Airport

Remember when flying was considered a fun and luxurious activity? Retired couples would sport ugly flowered shirts while carrying bullet-proof bright red suitcases with metal latches. Seemingly all flights landed safely at destination Good Times, or at least that is what all those old movies would have me believe … I was impressionable.

Fast forward fifteen years and the thought of the airport makes me borderline nauseous. Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with the actual flight. I have come to the conclusion that my hatred stems from the fact that the airport is conveniently inconvenient. From attempting to read color coded departure signs while driving in circles to the weird guy sitting next to me wearing a striped religious cape and praying at the window. He will undoubtedly be on my flight, but let’s pick this up from the beginning.

So after driving in circles to find long term parking (stay to the left), the inconvenience begins with a myriad of parking garages intended to throw off your sense of direction. First of all, do not even think of parking on levels 1-4, they are decoys and always full. Than like a cargo ship traveling through the Panama Canal, you will be forced to enter a series of locks, gates, and rising levels to eventually reach your port of destination. Suitably, this spot will be designated “compact-only” and conveniently wedged between two old and shitty dented civics. Of course, you will always have a nicer car than the two that now flank you. By the way, you are probably late so get moving.

Now strap your luggage to your body in odd bulky configurations as if you are headed hiking in the mountains. In many respects these two activities are quite similar. In both, you typically have no idea where you are going and will just follow the person in front of you. So follow your fellow travel comrade into the elevator and over bridge. With any luck you will end up on the ticketing level (not the rental car level) only to be confronted with crowded lines and endless moronic individuals still arguing about a flight they missed an hour ago.

But there is still hope, and like the green light of West Egg, a beacon good fortune shines in the distance. An express check-in counter! A glorious invention, which in my opinion, is worth every job that it has replaced. This will be your only exemption to inconvenience at the airport. A few finger taps and a bag check later and you will be on your way to the government sanctioned personal privacy raping! This process can be thoroughly annoying especially when traveling with electronics (or anything besides a wallet), but I understand and respect its necessity. In an act of childish rebellion I will leave my belt on… only to beep half the time.

Did you make it through beep free? If so, pull up your pants, grab your gear and head on down to the carnival! Hope you like McDonalds, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Pizza Hut because that is all you are going to get. Don’t love Dean Koontz or John Grisham? Hey loser, go grab a magazine you will leave on the plane! If you have more time and feel parched, saddle up next to the creepy guy at the bar (never mind that is 11am). Or just do what I do and grab a cup of coffee, plug in your laptop and wait two hours for your boarding call.

Did I forget to mention that I just stepped over a sleeping family in the aisle to plug in my laptop?